Having an affair

When there is a situation where two people get engaged in a relationship whereas at least one of them is still committed to another relationship, this is called having an affair. Love is present in everybody and you can remember it through anybody, in this way Love is not an exclusive but rather a very encompassing experience. Relationships and commitment on the other hand are known for the personality engagement which attempts to turn Love into an exclusive thing. So even though the recognition that you can love more than one person at a time can be seen as a step forward, this also comes with some real issues.

You need not doubt there is more or less conscious discontent about the present relationship within the person that has the affair, and that the new partner often can use the attention extremely well (or finds him- or herself within a relationship with issues as well). When you engage in a relationship while one of you is committed to another person, you stimulate in each other what, once you were to have a normal relationship with this person, you would not accept: cheat, have secrets, not telling the truth, not address issues within the relationship.

The attention, acceptance, new impulses and tension you experience and which you believe to have missed or lost, seem to be restored through this relationship, and the attraction of this is greater than a clear look at the above. For example, now you are happy with successful lies and 'stolen moments', however, this is likely to change fast once you find yourself in a true relationship with this person. And yet: your personality has succeeded in making things 'nice' for you, and ensures that any questions about the way in which he did so, do not come to mind.

Having an affair is a personality way of dealing with a certain situation and needs, be it or be it not combined with the reluctance to lose or give up the comfort and familiarity of the existing situation or take risks with a new relationship. You might ask yourself this question: why do you choose this solution to deal with a certain need or dissatisfaction, rather than addressing it within yourself first and solve it there. When you are ready to take responsibility for your own role, then this site can help you with a lot of practical information and insights. For example take a look at the column 'when your relationship is over - more about Love' and the BEcourse on relationships and loss.

When you find yourself at the other end of this process and face a partner who appears to cheat on you, then you too have a lot of work to do. To begin with, face the feelings of rejection, betrayal and loneliness, let go and forgive the other person (you may see a.o. the separate column on forgiveness). Besides that, you may use it as a wake-up call with regard to personality issues which have taken over the love you once knew in this relationship, and ask yourself whether and how you can remember this anew, to begin with within yourself. For that this site offers many practical inspirations as well so that you can become aware of the role of your personality and let go of your investment in it more and more.

Last but not least, when you are the new partner of the person who is having an affair, then there is likewise 'homework' for you. Look for the real issue which your personality attempts to solve for you through this and make it 'nice' for you. Take responsibility for your experiences and look for true solutions within yourself. You may find inspiration e.g. through the columns in the category 'feelings'.