Assertivity

The keyword in a lot of therapies, assessments and relationships is: be more assertive, tell clearly what you want, what you are standing for, what you do not want and what you think. Combined with the practical problems you will encounter when you practice this (you are allowed to speak your mind, but not too blunt please and regulations like that), this can be perfectly used as a personality tool.

Euphemistically stated one might say that assertive behaviour should prevent that a person bottles up all kinds of tension within himself that is bound to explode somehow sooner or later, but this assumes that speaking your mind were the only successful way to deal with that.

The person who asks for assertiveness is really asking for some form of clarity, he does not want to have to search himself for things like hidden wishes, unpleasant feelings and likewise. He wants to knów these, so that he can deal with them. So it is actually a request for control, for insight and a way to get grip on another person.

The person that is not assertive, has chosen this as a way to deal with problems and all kinds of other, usually unpleasant, situations. It is the choice to remain silent rather than having to fight. To avoid active responsibility for a personal contribution to an unpleasant situation, to hide what you really think while hoping that things do not get worse, you do not annoy or irritate others, they cannot get a hold on you, you do not have to adjust your own way of looking at things, etc.

When you shift your approach to one where you do start to communicate these things, this automatically means that what was once seen by your personality as a way to create safety, now is about to create more tension in your life. Why should you do such a thing, what will it bring you? Sometimes people may take a bit more into account what you want, maybe some times you feel good about having spoken your mind, but it is very likely that you find yourself having to actively justify yourself more often. And you will have to find new ways to deal with the direct responses of other people towards you.

Assertiveness in itself is not a solution to anything, it is just one of the personality toys, but as is with all of these: it can be used for awareness as well. When you start to do things differently and notice the difference with the way you did things before, you can actively become aware of the role of your personality. You now find yourself in a front row seat when your tensions, judgments and ideas are spoken out loud. Now all you have to do is not to believe that they are a truth in themselves, and only use this for getting awareness of the thought patterns of your personality, and then choosing to let these go. Unsafety and control are likely to be important issues here. And this is true both for the person who asks for assertiveness in another person, as it is for the person for whom the message is meant. In this way, assertiveness is a great tool for becoming aware of many personality issues and using this process to make more mental space available for your inner Self.