Blaming and forgiving

A very popular activity is playing "the game of blame". How does it work? I do something you do not appreciate. So that means that I do not meet one or more of your standards, for example because I break a piece of furniture. This immediately tickles your standard that "furniture has to be in one piece", because your personality obviously cannot protect you from furniture that is being scattered. Now this is very unpleasant for you.

The breaking of the furniture itself cannot be undone, but you are very likely to want to get rid of the unpleasant feelings this interpretation caused in you. By starting to blame someone, in this case me. I have caused an unpleasant feeling in you. And you believe that is my problem and you will impose that idea on me.

Now the only thing for me to do, in case I want to play along, is say "sorry", thus accepting the blame you so generously offered me. I will for sure be on my way back to your acceptance when I offer to replace the broken furniture, or pay for it, thus leaving it up to me to make your world as much as possible the way it was before this unfortunate incident. And in words and/or gestures you are about to let me know that you have forgiven me, and I am "off the hook".

This is not a pleasant experience neither for you nor for me. And when I should have chosen to not play along, it is very likely that you would have pulled out everything you got till I would have confessed that I am guilty.

Now what is actually happening here? It starts with the part where you assign your unpleasant feelings to me, rather than taking responsibility for them yourself. By becoming aware within yourself how these feelings come about and what really causes them, you can choose to deal with them differently. If you would not have held my behaviour against a series of standards and rules and expectations you maintain, nothing would have happened in the first place. You would have seen a piece of broken furniture, and no further interpretations and feelings would occur. So you also would not expect anything from me. We would have cleaned the floor and that's it. From this neutral place I might or might not feel inspired to offer reimbursement.

Now if I would not have been as far as this and would start to feel guilty about it, then you would have a chance to help me to free myself from that, and laugh my guilt away as the useless toy it really is. Now the other way around, when I laugh it away and you are not ready for this yet, you are likely to feel extra bad, and "not amused" will be the least of the label you will assign to that feeling. And a reaction like described above is likely to occur.

Forgiveness is the principle in which you no longer hold the other person responsible for the feelings that an event calls forth in you. You take responsibility for it yourself, regardless of the cause. So it is a gift to yourself, which may have consequences for others. It does not mean a generous acceptation of someone who pleads guilty. By forgiving the other person, you free yourself and the other from the vicious circle that was described in the beginning. Because now you can start looking for another way to deal with this. And your inner Self is a great source of inspiration for that.