Being ashamed for someone

Your personality usually has a group of people in its immediate vicinity which he uses to complement the image he makes of himself. Like for example the great job and income of your partner which reflects on you, your children who are doing well at school. It is about people you somehow feel you 'belong' to, often in close family relationships, however, they can be further away as well if it is a relationship which may add considerably, like an uncle who is a bank manager, and incidentally even friends, neighbors, colleagues etc.

This is a great mechanism as long as things go well, it gets unpleasant when these people do not live up to what your personality believes are general standards, especially when you are in the company of others: like when your partner then slurps or picks his nose, when your children endlessly whine in the supermarket or do not move on to the next level at school, when your uncle is caught drunk behind the steering wheel, and much worse, and many more subtle varieties on this theme. Then the outcome of the same personality mechanism all at once is less pleasant than before, since now the judgment 'not good' reflects on you as well according to your opinion. And now you yourself are not in control to change this, even though attempts to do so are the source of many marital and family fights.

In principle, hiding, covering up and preventing from becoming known, are popular personality ways to try to have this other side of the medal from becoming public knowledge. But what is left for your personality once you find yourself stuck in such a practical situation and you do not see a possibility to change it for the good at that very moment? Getting embarrassed is a fine option here. It is a way to deal with your vulnerability in this given situation, now that you can expect others to interpret it the way you did, and deal with your expectation that their rejection of the other person will affect you as well. You have not been able to prevent others from getting ammunition to see something about you, or others close to you, as wrong. Being ashamed is a socially accepted way of confessing this is so, and that you 'thus' are wrong. By being openly ashamed you may hope for a less intense reaction of the other person than you might expect otherwise.

The true 'solution' for being ashamed of another person is, as always: recognize that it is only an efféct of an interpretation, made by your personality. Recognize the way in which he tries to protect and maintain its extensive self image, and prevent unpleasant reactions from others to occur. Do realize that being ashamed is a result in the mechanism perceiving > judge/interpret > feeling > attempt to get rid of the feeling. Then consciously choose to stop wanting to uphold this mechanism any longer. Look for a real solution in approaching the situation through a different aspect in yourself: your inner Self. And since this aspect does not judge, there simply are no interpretations nor feelings which follow from there.

You can of course be ashamed as well because of something you yourself did, the mechanism is the same, only you yourself are more directly the subject of the situation, and it of course is about things you did (and frequently about your looks as well). Even children are requested to be ashamed about themselves frequently, as part of their 'personality upbringing'.