Stress

Over time, stress has taken up almost the same meaning as tension. Professionals in therapy say that stress is likely to occur when there is a lot of tension during a longer period of time, and you do not have a good solution to deal with that. So naturally this tension will sooner or later find its way out in your behaviour (fighting, eating or drinking more, withdrawal etc.) or through your body (more or less vague symptoms). In all cases the source is: tension.

Whenever there is a difference in your expectations and reality the way it appears to you, tension is experienced. For example when you are fired. You may have expected to work with this company until your retirement, and all of a sudden this picture of your future is no longer valid. This change in your expectations alone will cause tension. But also dealing wit all the things around this being fired and the period of time that follows it will add to that feeling. You may be unfamiliar with this kind of situation, and feel fearful, uncertain about the future, and insecure. Resentment is also very common. Maybe you even have to contact a lawyer. There is no certainty about what is behind this mountain of difficulty and unpleasantness. You may be reluctant to start looking for a new job. You may feel angry and ashamed and see it as a failure that has to be hidden. Your partner and friends may come with all sorts of advices as if there is something about you that needs to be "fixed". Etcetera.

Now this is a clear example of a huge problem with a lot of impact. But take a look at your daily activities and all the moments that you experience tension: you will notice that there is a lot of that going around on a normal day. Your daughter does not cooperate in the morning routine, your colleague makes a silly joke. Your partner says something wrong. On your way to work, you are being aggressively overhauled. On your search for the right person on the phone, you are put through ten times. Your boss asks a favour while your schedule is already overloaded. Remember that irritation and anger are also forms of tension. In fact, everything that does not meet the standards of your personality will cause tension, varying from hardly noticeable to very intense.

The problem begins with your expectations that are not met in reality as you perceive it. You can direct your efforts towards blaming someone or something else and maintain the origin of your expectations. But you can also learn to accept that it is your expectations and their origin that are the real cause of your feelings, and by becoming aware of that, let it go.

Okay, this may be a sensitive point. Because up till now you have carefully built your own personality, with all kinds of things like skills, experience, rights, judgments. And it used to work well for you (at least you thought it did). Why change that, when for example you can tell from experience that you did manage to succeed on goals you set out, or that other people respected your point of view.

Most people have a mix of both solutions in their everyday life, though holding on to your own expectations is by far the most popular one. And that is all right as long as you are comfortable with that. But there will come a time that it isn't anymore. That you can't make it work, whatever you try. You have grown, like a youngster reaches adulthood.

Your personality will feverishly try to find escapes, like doubting yourself, close your mind, become emotional or a workaholic, not being able to focus anymore, vague physical symptoms etc, the list seems endless. It will divert your attention from the real problem that your personality cannot solve, and focus it on "something else". And because that does not really solve anything, you will keep on searching and no longer really come to a rest. Your energy will soon be diminished and you will feel exhausted from the moment you wake in the morning. A vicious circle, because this unbalance will make you look for "solutions", like a list of things to do that will make you better, a period of rest etcetera. But have you ever found that that is really working? It may take away the pressure for a while, but sooner or later you find yourself in a similar mess again.

You might also see this seemingly point of no return as a positive landmark in your life. Because now is the time that you are likely to want to discuss your mindset. And that is not a thing you easily do when things are working well (why should you). So when you actually use this period in your life to make a start with that shift in perception from your personality to your inner Self, the situation that seemed almost hopeless now turns into a source of personal growth.

The goals of your personality are different from the goals of your inner Self. Your personality will set prerequisites and limits for any situation (nice, positive, challenging etcetera) and its goal is to increase the grip it has through these judgments on your life.

Your inner Self just wants to be remembered. Your inner Self does not mind whether a situation is "nice" or not. Or that it is a promotion or a complete disaster in the eyes of the world. Read more about your inner Self here.

You need do nothing special. On the contrary. Whenever you want to "do" something, you just exchange the one activity for another, and that cannot qualify for a structural approach. The key to your new way of dealing with this is: awareness. Be present in whatever you are doing. Look at what you are doing. Be aware of what it is that you are doing. Without judgment. Learn to perceive your thoughts without getting involved in them. Look at them from a distance. It is this way of becoming aware that ultimately, without fighting, programs, rules or whatever, will lead to the shift in perception. Maybe very different from the way you had expected it to be or could have conceived of yourself, but that does not affect the value it has in itself.

But what about the example in which the persons loses his job? Be aware of the fears and tensions. Go through them. Do not fight them, just look at everything your personality brings to mind. Feel the difference between reacting from that place of tension which induces tension and this approach. Learn to trust that whatever happens to you, is best for you, seen from the perspective of remembering who you really are, even though the outer circumstances may look devastating.

Is it wise to avoid tension? No, not really. But when you keep on choosing this approach in situations, you will become more and more alert on tensions within you, and the more experience you get with this way of looking, the faster you will move through these experiences. It may seem like a kind of circle, where you find yourself in similar situations every now and then. This is good, because it means that you are ready to look at a new layer of tension.

Avoiding is in itself a form of tension, you have to constantly be alert whether or not this situation needs to be avoided. Sooner or later that kind of behaviour will pay off in a way you will not like. You could compare it for example with a diet: the person involved avoids certain kinds of nutrition he or she normally would take. For a while there is no problem. But eh, have you ever been on a diet yourself? And what was the first thing you took after you declared the diet period was over?

Now this is the "theory". When you start putting this into practice, you will find that, even though it sounds simple, you will find a lot of obstacles on your way. Your own thoughts, that keep on promoting the familiar way. The people in your life, who will do the same. Fear, doubt, anxiety and insecurity.

To help, support and inspire you, you will find a lot of practical information on the columns pages. You may use BEcourses to help you along the way to bring these changes about or work with you in a practical situation that causes stress or similar feelings at this moment. You can also use the online relaxation exercises.